26. Shia LeBoeuf

Don’t get it. Just don’t get it. He seems like a nice enough actor, and he hasn’t been bad in his other work, but if you think I’m shelling out twelve bucks or whatever it is to watch him carry a movie, you’ve got to be kidding. I saw that Harrison Ford was essentially supposed to hand him the torch of a new generation of stardom in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”. Yeah, well, he dropped it.

39. Facebook whoring

It took junior high classmates trying to contact me that finally changed my policy of friending any and everyone who finds me. Considering I was super-reluctant to get on in the first place, I don’t know why I am suddenly friending that woman I don’t remember meeting at that party where I blacked out.

42. smartphones!

This was the year the smartphone came to the masses. And by the masses, I mean most of my friends, who now write witty, long, and elaborate text messages to me. With which I can only respond with short, shorthanded, and clipped text messages that take me forever to write. No, I’m not bitter. Just because I kept losing my cheap phones this year, making me terrified of dropping $300 on a phone that I would lose on my first drunken night out, and leaving me in the technological dust. Not good times.

Mitigating circumstances: Now brings evidence to barguments.

45. will.i.am

Other than being part of the hologram fiasco, he was also this year’s newest, latest, “why is this fucking celebrity all of my news suddenly?” celebrity. His songs celebrating the candidacy, and eventually the election of Barack Obama, made him a go-to musician for the news shows. Meanwhile, I’m like, “honestly, this guy again?”

Mitigating circumstances: It’s a hell of a trick to make people forget that you were one of the creative minds behind “Let’s Get Retarded.”

46. “pass the Courvoisier”

Sometimes, when you try to come up with dumb but witty catchphrases from dated material, this is what you get. Bored and hung over out of our minds, we decided that saying “pass the butter, please” was too boring. So we started saying “pass the Courvoisier”, after the entertaining Busta Rhymes song. But it ran into problems during our brunch/comedy workshop, where objects close to each other were too much to overcome. “No, not that Courvoisier, that Courvoisier!” was not amusing enough to sustain its use.

69. “Sasha Fierce”

Really? Because the Chris Gaines experiment was such a raging success? I mean, if you’re Beyonce Knowles, I would think your biggest asset as a multiplatinum artist is, um I don’t know, being Beyonce Knowles? I don’t even know why I’m using her last name. Why was this necessary?

Sasha who?

Look, I’m all for taking the occasional vacation from yourself, that’s why I sometimes use fake names at the bar. But it’s not like I’m charging people for it.

78. People Who Know What to Do With My Hair

“You should blow out your hair and get an Afro!” I’m glad all my white friends know how my hair should work. Never mind that I’ve had it for three decades or know, and know what works and what doesn’t. Go live your dreams of being Dr. J or Linc from the Mod Squad by getting a perm, and leave me alone.

81. Jason Giambi’s ‘stache

You’re a despised and hated former steroid/HGH user, mostly because you’re hitting like .225 with fewer home runs than Andy Phillips (these stats were not fact-checked, but you get an idea of how bad it was going). So what you do to turn around your mojo and get the fans back on your side? Besides getting back on the stuff?

You go from this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

to this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s all it took to turn him from punchline to giveaway promotion! It helps that in the first picture, that’s clearly a 350 foot pop-up and in the second one he’s at least made a productive out. But the real marvel is that it’s amazing all you need for a little image rehab. Incredible.

Mitigating circumstances: The first ‘stache in history made for HD.

93. The Manning Brothers

I mean, Peyton wasn’t doing enough commercials. Now his brother, a fellow Super Bowl champion, gets to hog what’s left of the advertising pie! It’s just weird that these two amiable Southern goofballs are…athletes! I’ve never seen anything like it.

Only these two could be in ads that proclaim Eli “unstoppable”…although he was in the last two minutes of the Super Bowl! And then another one where Peyton says with a straight face, “it’s on like Donkey Kong!”

Yikes.

Mitigating circumstances: This did inspire me to try a google search for “manning brothers williams sisters oreo.” if you’ve got a dirty mind like me, you can’t not enjoy that.

96. Men In Furs

You would think that in these austere economic times, ostentatious displays of wealth that happen to be in bad taste would be going out of style. But I am seeing a definite disturbing trend of men in furs or fur-like coats this winter on the streets. Why? A basic desire to look like an oversize mole? I don’t get it at all.

Mitigating circumstance: You’re Ray Lewis.