12. “Twilight”

So, another deeply held teen love story about two people prevented from boning due to their differences? “Chastity is cool! That’s why evil man-sex is represented by vampires! But this one’s okay because he’s really, really hot, therefore he must care for you deeply. So he holds back on his ferocious, dastardly man-sex. Which might kill our passive but curious heroine.” If I ever have a daughter, (or find out about one) I will work my ass off to keep her away from this kind of claptrap.

38. “I drink your milkshake!”

The iconic line from a movie far better than it. Yes, now every time you either see a milkshake or even worse, a long straw, guess what line comes out? Is that the legacy you wanted from your otherwise great movie, Paul Thomas Anderson? Congratulations. Look, I enjoyed the line’s comic value as much as anyone, but that’s not what people should be remembering from that movie.

80. The HBO Tribute Dance

So, during one lovely summer day, we decide to check out “Bride of Frankenstein” and are picnicking, laying out in the sun, and having a good time. And it’s nice that HBO sponsors this cool annual event, a chance to watch movies in a different way.

But as always, fucking hipsters have to ruin everything. So, as the movie starts, if you remember the olden days of HBO, they play the old intro HBO used to have before a movie started. To refresh your memories:

Of course, the mere presence of nostalgic irony isn’t enough. Noooo….they have to do a “tribute dance” to HBO first. When informed of this, I had this to say:

“Tribute. HBO doesn’t need a tribute dance. They get a tribute every month. It’s called your subscription fees, morons.”

87. The Writer’s Strike

Yeah, that worked. Hope you enjoy all that ‘respect’ you fought for, because the actual, tangible gains that came from it? Um, still not sure. All I know is, I didn’t watch all that much television to begin with, and once the original programming stopped, I got into the habit of watching even less, and that has to make things tougher for everyone.

But you got respect, right? (You can’t possibly be counting the Internet money yet.)

88. “Planet of the Apes: The Musical”

Okay, it doesn’t exist except in the world of “The Simpsons”, but are we really that far away? I understand the musical, as an art form, it isn’t what it once was, but just straight up converting any movie into a musical, as Broadway seems to be doing… I just don’t know. I’m hardly an expert, but it can’t be good, can it? Young Frankenstein? Billy Elliot? The 39 Steps? I guess I’m asking, Why not Planet of the Apes?!

97. “Punisher” Movies

Look, on paper, yeah, The Punisher sounds like a great idea for a movie. But no one has ever done it. Yet, Hollywood keeps trying. Perhaps part of the problem is that they never seem to cast the part correctly. I’m sure Ray Stevenson is a fine, competent actor. But you can’t cast a nobody in this role, as soon as people saw the preview, they said, “Who?” and had flashbacks to the Dolph Lundgren straight to V-D-O anti-classic, it had no chance at the box office. The Thomas Jane version was okay, but I don’t think anyone really ever bought him a revenge-seeking dark-haired guy.

Leave the Punisher alone, Hollywood. Let him rest. He deserves better than to be associated with “pictures that massively flop in almost all its incarnations.”