23. People Just Showing Up At The Jersey Shore

Sometimes, it helps to be invited to things. I was invited to spend a day down on the Jersey Shore, where I had never been before. While I was down there, all of a sudden, I heard that a bunch of friends were on their way out as well. Of course, I regarded it as an elaborate prank, because, let’s face it, these are the kind of elaborate pranks we as a group have been known to pull in the past.

Turned out that it wasn’t a prank at all! They really went down there, to go to someone else’s house, but that person wasn’t home. (You would think they would call to confirm before committing to a two-hour train ride, wouldn’t you? That seemed like the fishiest part of the story.) So came down to where we were to hang out. It just made no sense. You never go to the Jersey Shore in your life and then suddenly, you show up the same day as I go? Of course I’m going to think its bunk! I mean, really, who does that?! Sorry I ignored you.

54. Idiotarod!

Yeah, I’ve got a great idea: let’s push a shopping cart all over Manhattan and Brooklyn in ridiculous costumes, throwing flour and candy at each other and not try to drink openly in front of the cops! Meanwhile, some people try to tip your cart over at any opportunity, even using Wile E. Coyote techniques such as holding a string across a street to trip a cart over. Whee!

Mitigating Cirumstances: I’d do it again.

57. Diddy the Wingman

My roommate Diddy isn’t known for his way with the ladies (and that’s a good thing, lest the cops find out–I kid!) but one drunken night, still growing a ridiculous beardstache during the hot summer, he was drunk  beyond belief and decided that it was time for me to meet some ladies.

“Have you met Ali?” he asked one pretty young lady.

You would think that crazy drunk guy in a beardstache would make a bad person to introduce you. Not if you think about it. If you’re clean-shaven, articulate, and upright, you’re George Clooney by comparison! So we hit it off and enjoyed the concert for a while together.

The downside, of course, is that eventually, you have to take your drunk friend with the beardstache home before security does. Not ideal for closing the deal.

58. The Year in Personal Nudity

A down year for the little guy overall. Other than finally being goaded into it on my friend’s roof  one chilly August night, there was a distinct lack of  “where is your underwear?!” this year. Maybe I’m maturing, maybe it’s the realization of the fleeting nature of beauty and the flesh in the face of age, perhaps I’m just feeling more modest this year.

Luckily for America, Minnesota Viking Visanthe Shiancoe and Fox Sports are here to take up the slack (Not safe for most smaller pornstars, much less work) .

Mitigating circumstance: Discretion may be the better part of artiness: There was one picture of me in my underwear that ended up of someone’s tumblr, and she was not unfollowed by one single person. I’m coming for my crown in ’09, Shiancoe!

63. Bar Smoochers

Earlier in the year, I suffered an epidemic of walking up to bars and catching the eyes of really, really, really drunk girls and eventually making out with them, No names, no explanations, and no even pretense of conversation. One literally started as simply a question about the availability of the pool table.

 

So what am I complaining about, exactly? Well, it’s kind of totally stopped.

68. Adventures in Moving

Heck, we should have been in an ad for U-Haul. One of the epic days spent this year was assisting old pal disapproving monkey put her stuff into storage before heading off on her wondrous journey in Asia. But not before a move went down that probably couldn’t get her on the plane fast enough.

Handing out whiskey slush to your movers is a risky gambit; you have happy movers but you don’t necessarily have sane ones. Combine this with an absurd deadline at the storage place, traffic, too many guys trying to show they’re the MacGyver of moving, a dead elevator, other insane storers, and you have a move so epic it had to be chronicled briefly here. My personal highlight: taking some whiskey slush to go, getting in a cab, and trying to convince the driver it was a “Slurpee”. He played along, even though I clearly reeked of whiskey. We tipped him nicely.

Mitigating circumstance: I don’t mind helping people move, generally free food and drink is enough. But let me just say without telling tales out of school that this was easily, by far,  the most rewarding move I have ever participated in.

70. Worst Bar Argument of The Year

An hour of my roommate’s life and my own that we are never getting back. Whether or not it is a good idea to let Somali pirates hijack your oil and pay the ransom. I’m serious.

The argument for killing pirates: um, they’re taking your oil. I mean, if you’re cool with hijackings just being part of the cost of business, then you obviously must miss having the Mafia be a part of your daily life.

The argument against killing pirates: They’re just poor fishermen in a terrible country, what’s wrong with letting these guys hijack your boat, paying a ransom to make their lives better as long as no one dies?

The rebuttal: Because someone will eventually die. Hijackings, like bank robberies, mostly don’t result in death, but once in a while they do. And if you let an atmosphere of piracy flourish, then yes, it eventually will become the cost of doing business. And that is a failure to act by the shipping companies that use that gulf.

Yeah, I was for killing pirates. This went on for an hour. There was much yelling, and surprise, no interest from the ladies.

Mitigating circumstances:At least our friend Juan was amused, because the Big XII title game we were there to watch was a beatdown.

98. The Great American La…What, We Sold Out?

Ah, Budweiser. it’s never been one of my favorite beers, so to see it have to suddenly do a 180 on it’s Rob Riggle-led campaign to explain why it was “The Great American Lager” when it merged with Belgian conglomerate ImBev was so satisfying. I mean, there are crap beers I like, but none of them distracted you from its pedestrian flavor more with patriotism than Budweiser. Now look at them.

Mitigating circumstances: They now have Budweiser American Ale, which is definitely the handiwork of its European in-laws. In any case, as long as it’s dirt cheap, it’s not too bad.