14. salesgenie.com

How do you want your product to get noticed? Hows ‘bout vaguely racist commercials? Yeah, you can probably claim ethnic diversity, but there’s something just a tad unsettling about them, just enough where you’re sitting at a bar with your friends, watching the Super Bowl, and once the ads are over, there’s just awkward silence. Where do I sign!

71. The ad for Pet Joint Pain Relief Spray

Surely you’ve seen the ad of limping dogs and cats, clearly suffering from joint pain, until they are (claimed to be) cured by this spray you put in their water. And damned if it doesn’t make me feel like Michael Vick, because I start laughing. I’m sorry. The dog the tries to jump into the back of a car but doesn’t have enough elevation, runs into the lowered door and falls down in the other direction? Hilarious.

Oh, I’m not that bad a guy. Think of it like seeing a missed dunk in basketball. I mean, it’s not like I ever wanted Patrick Ewing taken out back and destroyed, y’know?

80. The HBO Tribute Dance

So, during one lovely summer day, we decide to check out “Bride of Frankenstein” and are picnicking, laying out in the sun, and having a good time. And it’s nice that HBO sponsors this cool annual event, a chance to watch movies in a different way.

But as always, fucking hipsters have to ruin everything. So, as the movie starts, if you remember the olden days of HBO, they play the old intro HBO used to have before a movie started. To refresh your memories:

Of course, the mere presence of nostalgic irony isn’t enough. Noooo….they have to do a “tribute dance” to HBO first. When informed of this, I had this to say:

“Tribute. HBO doesn’t need a tribute dance. They get a tribute every month. It’s called your subscription fees, morons.”

82. That ASPCA ad with Sarah Maclachlan

You’ve been watching some crappy movie on your local syndicated channel or USA on a Saturday afternoon, laughing at the antics of Bruce Willis or Jennifer Lopez — wait, those aren’t supposed to be comedies? And then this comes on.

Yeah, it’s an ad asking you to give the ASPCA money because some people are douchebags who mistreat animals. But you aren’t one of them, are you?

The one-eyed dog always gets to me. I don’t like having my feelings even marginally exposed, so while I applaud their efforts, they make the list.

Mitigating circumstances: Caused me to wonder if they make glass eyes for dogs.

What?!

93. The Manning Brothers

I mean, Peyton wasn’t doing enough commercials. Now his brother, a fellow Super Bowl champion, gets to hog what’s left of the advertising pie! It’s just weird that these two amiable Southern goofballs are…athletes! I’ve never seen anything like it.

Only these two could be in ads that proclaim Eli “unstoppable”…although he was in the last two minutes of the Super Bowl! And then another one where Peyton says with a straight face, “it’s on like Donkey Kong!”

Yikes.

Mitigating circumstances: This did inspire me to try a google search for “manning brothers williams sisters oreo.” if you’ve got a dirty mind like me, you can’t not enjoy that.

98. The Great American La…What, We Sold Out?

Ah, Budweiser. it’s never been one of my favorite beers, so to see it have to suddenly do a 180 on it’s Rob Riggle-led campaign to explain why it was “The Great American Lager” when it merged with Belgian conglomerate ImBev was so satisfying. I mean, there are crap beers I like, but none of them distracted you from its pedestrian flavor more with patriotism than Budweiser. Now look at them.

Mitigating circumstances: They now have Budweiser American Ale, which is definitely the handiwork of its European in-laws. In any case, as long as it’s dirt cheap, it’s not too bad.

100. I’m a Mac. I’m a PC! You’re all idiots.

So now, the world isn’t divided enough between religions, sports teams, musical genres, and drugs of choice, we’re now defined by the type of computer we use? Macintosh’s (admittedly somewhat amusing) ad campaign produced a response ad with all these cool people telling the world that they are a PC. Hell you won’t get paid like John Hodgman and Justin Long, but you can even be in one of the ads!

Um, all that’s great, but I can’t be down with letting objects define me when the reasons I own such objects have nothing to do with the core of my humanity. I’m a PC. You know why? I have two that were given to me for free. I was totally planning on maybe buying a Mac with my Christmas bonus. You know what this whole thing tells me I am? Cheap.