11. The Children

Here’s why I don’t do anything for the kids: Because a lot of them are evil, rotten, foulmouthed little monsters with nothing better to do than harass people on Christmas Eve who won’t do anything to them because their dad’s the number two guy in charge of the department. And besides, if he did something, there would probably be criminal charges. So the next time someone asks you “What about the children” in regard to some cause, you tell ‘em “What about the little anklebiting bastards who keep hitting me with balloons and telling old ‘yo mama’ jokes? What about them, huh? Screw them lady, I’m buying my porn!”

Mitigating circumstances: My friends’ children are generally pretty well behaved and are actually nice, cute, and happy. I’d give you tykes a shout-out, but you can’t and probably shouldn’t be reading this!

12. “Twilight”

So, another deeply held teen love story about two people prevented from boning due to their differences? “Chastity is cool! That’s why evil man-sex is represented by vampires! But this one’s okay because he’s really, really hot, therefore he must care for you deeply. So he holds back on his ferocious, dastardly man-sex. Which might kill our passive but curious heroine.” If I ever have a daughter, (or find out about one) I will work my ass off to keep her away from this kind of claptrap.

13. Isiah Thomas

Just because.

And besides, what are you doing throwing your daughter under the bus during an accidental overdose? Really, were you thinking that your reputation hadn’t quite taken enough of a hit?

Mitigating circumstance: Proves he’s not the only idiot GM in the NBA when teams trade for Zach Randolph and Jamal Crawford! Really!

14. salesgenie.com

How do you want your product to get noticed? Hows ‘bout vaguely racist commercials? Yeah, you can probably claim ethnic diversity, but there’s something just a tad unsettling about them, just enough where you’re sitting at a bar with your friends, watching the Super Bowl, and once the ads are over, there’s just awkward silence. Where do I sign!

15. the BCS

The one argument BCS apologists always made: the regular season is the playoff; it counts for everything. Okay, so, for the last time: Texas beats Oklahoma by ten on a neutral field, Texas Tech nips Texas at Texas Tech, Oklahoma beats Texas Tech significantly at Oklahoma. Oklahoma’s the best team…even though they lost to Texas on a neutral field, the supposed basis by which teams are judged head-to-head? And the game doesn’t count even though it happened? But every game matters! That’s what I was told!

Look, you can tell me the BCS is entertaining, you can say you love the arguments, and you can say it’s better than the way the sport used to be. Just don’t tell me it’s the best way to choose a champion unlike every other sport. I mean let’s just call it what it is, figure skating in pads, as long as this is going to continue.

16. The right-wing noise machine

Rush, Sean, Michael, Bill, and the lot of them went down fighting until the end, I have to say. Even if it meant contradicting themselves and outright lying. After all, this is the year they learned more than any other that they can say whatever they want, they have nothing to lose. (Except an election.) Their constituency will always back them and stand behind them, no matter how ridiculous and untrue many of their claims are. (But that constituency’s getting kind of small.)

17. the MTA

Another year, another set of threats to raise fares and cut service. I’ve never understood this. Usually budget cutting in other industries involves one or the other. But not the MTA, they always come out and promise both, knowing there’s nothing many of us think we can do about it. It’s probably going to happen, but I suspect that they always push worst case scenarios to scare the crap out of everyone, then, when they give you a $2.50 fare instead of $3, you’re going to go, “Yay!”

18. David Paterson

The governor got the job after a sex scandal. So what does he do? Reveal all of his sex scandals. All of his scandals. And where they took place, and why? Sure you could say that he was insulating himself against scandal and smartly getting it out of the way to position him to govern at time when the state really needs it. He just made me feel bad that I have much better eyesight and he does way better with the ladies than I do. And to boot, he hasn’t quit playing pickup basketball like I did.

19. The Mets bullpen

In a historic year for sports, their infamy was bound to be greatest ever. Jerry Manuel did his best, spinning his wheel of pitchers as best he could, and seeing if he could find someone, anyone who could get an out. He often could not, making tense, tight games of scores of 8-2 in the sixth inning. But they just kept on collapsing, often whenever the Mets needed it the most. It just became painful to watch after a while. Hell, the Mets bullpen is still collapsing, having seen their status as “most sucky sports story”fade as they were getting caught and passed by the totally defeated 0-16 Detroit Lions.

 

20. Chinese Democracy

Sure, I tried to frame this debacle as sort of a Prop 8 protest earlier, but I am an engaged man. Kinda. I vowed at a bar named Finnerty’s that this album would never, never, never, ever come out. It did. What did I bet? The sanctity of marriage. Whoopee. As for the album itself, a hundred years and a small economy in the making? It’s okay, good at times, but is it really going to make us relive the golden days of 1987, give us great karaoke songs to sing, and just give us some good shit to rock out once in a while? Not quite.